Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)

Three years after the first film, the Barton Bellas are three time defending national a capella champions, performing at the Lincoln Center for the president. Unfortunately Fat Amy’s (Rebel Wilson) vagina gets in the way and they find themselves disgraced and barred from competing nationally. The only way they can restore themselves is by winning the international championships. But it won’t be easy. They’re up against the powerful Das Sound Machine, a German group known for blistering performances, heart-stopping routines and ridiculous accents. Plus Beca (Anna Kendrick) is distracted by her internship at a recording studio, which causes tension with Chloe (Brittany Snow) and the rest of the group. I didn’t love the first Pitch Perfect the first time I watched it but I rewatched it in preparation and definitely liked it more. And I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this outing. Beca is less annoying this time around and the shenanigans at her internship are pretty funny even though Keegan-Michael Key is basically copying Sean Coombes in Get Him to the Greek. Fat Amy and Lily continue to bring major laughs, Elizabeth Banks and John Michael Higgins are hilariously inappropriate as the commentators and the overall message that friendship is priceless and you can move on from a situation without moving on from the people is heartfelt. Not every joke lands, it’s predictable and Hailee Stenfield’s new girl is really generic but if you’re looking for a fun movie to see with your girlfriends you could do a lot worse. 3/5

Fat Amy’s pillow fight skills were being put to the test

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

In a universe ruled by a tyrannical empire an alliance of rebel freedom fighters lead by Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) is the only thing that stands in the way of the evil Darth Vader (David Prowse) .  When Leia is captured after stealing the plans to the Empire’s ultimate Death Star weapon she manages to smuggle them out with two droids sending them to find her former ally, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Sir Alec Guinness), On  the desert planet Tatooine R2-D2 (Kenny Baker) and C-3PO  (Anthony Daniels) end up in the hands of young Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill). Luke decides to join Obi-Wan to return the plans to the Rebel Alliance but they’ll need a ship, which is where smuggler Han Solo (Harrison Ford) and his Wookie first-mate, Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew) come in. The group sets off across the galaxy on an adventure that will change all their destinies. So I’ll be straight, I enjoy the Star Wars experience but I wouldn’t really call myself a fangirl and I haven’t seen these films hundreds of times… or in ten years. I am more of a Star Trek kind of girl. So I am not going to write some big, long epic review of this one or the other two from the original trilogy that Mr O and I decided to watch over a week. What I will say is that A New Hope is fun and exciting and director, George Lucas, does an amazing job of world building, creating a fascinating universe and characters we want to know more about. The practical effects have held up exceptionally well despite being almost 40 years old, as have all the weird and wonderful puppets used to create the aliens. An excellent example of classic science fiction that has stood the test of time. 4/5

Look, if you don’t eat your carrots you won’t be able to see in the dark

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

The Death Star may have been destroyed but the Empire isn’t sleeping and they set about destroying the secret rebel base. Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) escapes and heads off to find Master Yoda (voiced by Frank Oz) and begin his training as a Jedi. Meanwhile Leia (Carrie Fisher) and Han Solo (Harrison Ford), who aren’t doing a very good job of hiding or handling their feelings for each other are captured by Darth Vader (David Prowse). When Luke discovers that his friends are in trouble he must choose between completing his training and attempting to rescue his friends but it won’t be an easy choice since Yoda has warned him that not completing his training will have devastating consequences. I think Empire Strikes Back  is probably my favourite of the original trilogy. Vader is more evil than ever before, we get to hang out with Yoda – who is a riot, we finally get to see some of the real power of The Force both light and dark side and of course there is the big reveal about Luke’s parentage. What’s not to like? While most trilogy’s suffer from having a middle act that is little more than filler Empire Strikes Back rises above its predecessor and gears us up for its explosive ending. 5/5

Wearing a beige singlet you are. Fashion icon you are not.

Chalet Girl (2011)

When skateboard champion, Kim’s (Felicity Jones) mum is killed in a car accident she gives up her career and vanishes off the circuit to get a job and take care of her dad (Bill Bailey). When she gets the offer to work as a chalet girl in Austria she reluctantly leaves her dad behind finding herself thrust into a world of privilege she doesn’t fit into or understand. Not only doesn’t get on with her fellow chalet girl, Georgie (Tamsin Egerton) but she thinks the family who owns the chalet are a bunch of stuck up snobs. Her only escape is learning to snowboard with Mikki (Ken Duken), a Finn who enters and bombs out of the resort’s big snowboarding competition annually. Unsurprisingly, Kim is pretty good at snowboarding so Mikki encourages her to enter the competition too… after all she could use the prize money. As Kim trains she and Georgie start to realise they’re not that different after all and she also starts to bond with Jonny (Ed Westwick), the son of the chalet owner but can he be trusted? Don’t get me wrong, this is a big old pile of silly, predictable fluff but it’s also fun and sweet and Jones is such a good actress that she can elevate even a film called Chalet Girl into something watchable. Plus Bill Nighy and Bill Bailey are both hilarious playing their standard dad roles. If you don’t think too hard this is a fun way to while away a Saturday afternoon. 3/5

Kim couldn’t understand why her eggs weren’t getting beaten

There  are loads of roles out there for male characters that are seriously kick ass – from Bond (*vom*) to Indiana Jones, Luke Skywalker and about 40 different superheroes tough male characters with serious fighting skills are dime a dozen. The same cannot be said for female characters. For some reason Hollywood seems to think we don’t want to see chicks kick ass (we do). So in the hope of inspiring all the big time producers who obviously read this blog I am bringing you a list my my favourite kick ass chicks. For the purposes of this list I am specifically featuring characters who physically kick ass.

Natasha Romonov AKA Black Widow
Films: The Avengers (2012), Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014), Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Played by: Scarlett Johanssen
Special skills: Psychological manipulation, kicking ass with no super powers while surrounded by men who do have powers.
Ass kicking level: 10/10
“Clint Barton: [Natasha has freed him from his restraints] Tasha, how many agents did I-?
Natasha Romanoff: Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself, Clint. This is Loki. This is monsters and magic and nothing we were ever trained for.
Clint Barton: Loki, he got away?
Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Don’t suppose you know where?
Clint Barton: [Shakes head] Didn’t need to know. Didn’t ask. He’s gonna make his play soon though. Today.
Natasha Romanoff: We gotta stop him.
Clint Barton: Yeah, who’s “we”?
Natasha Romanoff: [Shrugs] I don’t know. Whoever’s left.
Clint Barton: Well, I… if I put an arrow through Loki’s eye socket, I’d sleep better, I s’pose.
Natasha Romanoff: Now you sound like you.
Clint Barton: But you don’t. You’re a spy, not a soldier. Now you want to wade into a war. Why? What did Loki do to you?
Natasha Romanoff: He didn’t, I just…
[pauses]
Clint Barton: Natasha.
Natasha Romanoff: I’ve been compromised. I got red in my ledger. I’d like to wipe it out.”

Hanna
Film: Hanna (2011)
Played by: Saoirse Ronan
Special skills: Close combat, weapons, languages, naive glee
Ass kicking power: 9/10
“Hanna: Adapt or die.
Erik: Think on your feet.
Hanna: Even when I’m sleeping.”

Mindy Macready AKA Hit-Girl
Films: Kick-Ass (2010), Kick-Ass 2 (2013)
Played by: Chloe Grace Moretz
Special skills: Martial arts, beating down grown men twice her size
Ass kicking power: 8/10
“Dave Lizewski: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit Girl: [sarcastically] You just contact the mayor’s office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it’s in the shape of a giant cock.”

Imperator Furiosa
Film: Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)
Played by: Charlize Theron
Special skills: Driving, fighting one handed
Ass kicking power: 9/10
“Imperator Furiosa: How are you?
The Splendid Angharad: It hurts.
Imperator Furiosa: Out here, everything hurts. You wanna get through this? Do as I say. Now pick up what you can and run.”

Katniss Everdeen
Films: The Hunger Games (2012), The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 (2014), The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 (2015)
Played by: Jennifer Lawrence
Special skills: Archery
Ass kicking power: 6/10
“Eddy: Are you fighting Katniss? Are you here to fight with us?
Katniss Everdeen: I am. I will.”

Princess Leia Organa
Films: Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977), Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi (1983)
Played by: Carrie Fisher
Ass kicking power: 5/10
Special skills: Leading troops… being like the only woman in the entire rebel army
“Princess Leia Organa: Governor Tarkin, I should have expected to find you holding Vader’s leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
Governor Tarkin: Charming to the last. You don’t know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.
Princess Leia Organa: I’m surprised that you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself.
Governor Tarkin: Princess Leia, before your execution, I’d like you to join me for a ceremony that will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now.
Princess Leia Organa: The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
Governor Tarkin: Not after we demonstrate the capabilities of this station.”

Ripley
Films: Alien (1979), Aliens (1986), Alien³ (1992), Alien: Resurrection (1997)
Played by; Sigourney Weaver
Special skills: Survival, resourcefulness
Ass kicking power: 8/10
“Ripley: [pointing to part of gun Hicks is showing her] What’s this?
Hicks: That’s the grenade launcher. I don’t think you want to mess with that.
Ripley: You started this. Show me everything. I can handle myself.
Hicks: [chuckles] Yeah, I noticed.”

Beatrix Kiddo AKA The Bride
Films: Kill Bill vol 1 (2003), Kill Bill vol 2 (2004)
Played by: Uma Thurman
Special skills: Samurai sword
Ass kicking power: 10/10
“The Bride: [in Japanese] Those of you lucky enough to have your lives, take them with you. However, leave the limbs you’ve lost. They belong to me now.
[in English]
The Bride: Except you, Sofie! You stay right where you are!”

Raven Darkholme AKA Mystique
Films: X-Men (2000), X-Men 2 (2003), X-Men: The Last Stand (2006), X-Men: First Class (2011), X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)
Played by:  Jennifer Lawrence/Rebecca Romijn
Special skills: Assuming the identities of others
Ass kicking power: 9/10
“Nightcrawler: Excuse me? They say you can imitate anybody, even their voice.
Mystique: [as Nightcrawler] Even their voice.
Nightcrawler: Then why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look like everyone else.
Mystique: Because we shouldn’t have to.”

Rita Vrataski
Film: Edge of Tomorrow (2014)
Played by: Emily Blunt
Special skills: Military training, push-ups
Ass kicking power: 7/10
“Griff: Why would we follow him into combat?
Lt. Col. Bill Cage: I don’t expect you to follow me. I expect you to follow her.
[Rita Vrataski steps into the scene]
Griff: That’s the Full Metal Bitch.”

I know I am a couple of days late with May’s stats but I had a really busy weekend and I kind of forgot. Once again themes of masturbation are proving popular, particularly when relating to Michael Fassbender (Fernando?). Check out previous months here.

I am hoping De Niro’s monster is in reference to Frankenstein and not anything else. #frankencock And I am sorry to report that there is no nudity of significance in Mad Max, nor is Kristen Stewart a stripper. She plays one in a movie but no boobs… probably because she has none. Also my Matric Dance (Prom) was over 17 years ago, I have no idea what (or how) you should wear but I would suggest that less is more. I can understand the interest in Max Riemelt though. He is hoooooot!

Things don’t actually get really interesting until you go a little lower (ain’t that the truth in life generally). I have no idea why so many people seem to think I have done posts on penis but I haven’t (yet) and there definitely weren’t any on Michael Pitt. I have no idea what széchenyi fürdő legenda is or schmetlag but if anyone one knows please enlighten me. Oh and who is Googling individual blue eyes… creepy.

And then it just keeps getting weirder. I know there are some British actresses that are crap but to generalise like that is just rude, as is putting a petticoat on your husband if he doesn’t want to wear one or keeping a cock as a pet or keeping a cow in a drugstore.

Filed under: may stats, stats Tagged: weird wide web

It’s funny how and when cooking inspiration strikes. I got home from the gym the other night and one of our neighbours was baking something that smelled strongly of ginger. I’m not sure if it was ginger cookies, gingerbread men or a gingerbread loaf but it instantly made me crave gingerbread. So much so that I immediately went on the hunt for a recipe to make one. I didn’t have all the ingredients to hand so I had to wait a day but in the end I found the perfect recipe – light, rich and nice and sticky. It hit the spot not only for me but also Mr O and my colleagues who we shared it with.

Gingerbread loaf

Adapted from The Great British Bake Off

225 self raising flour
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1 tablespoon ground ginger
1 teaspoon cinnamon
A pinch of cloves
115g butter, chilled and cubed
115g treacle
115g golden syrup
115g dark brown sugar
275ml full fat milk
1 egg, beaten

Preheat your oven to 180 C. Grease and line a 900g loaf tin.

Sift the flour, bicarbonate of soda, ginger, cinnamon and cloves together in a bowl. Add the cubed butter and rub in with your fingertips until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Pour the treacle and golden syrup into a small pan and heat gently until it is runny. Set aside to cool a little.

In another small pan add the sugar and the milk. Heat gently and story to melt the sugar. Set aside to cool a little.

Whisk the milk mixture into the flour mixture, followed by the treacle and the egg to make a smooth, thick batter.

Pour the batter into the prepared tin. Bake in the middle of the preheated oven for 40 – 45 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the middle of the cake comes out clean. Rest on a wire rack to cool completely before turning out. Wrap in foil and allow to get nice and sticky over a couple of days.

Makes one large loaf

It’s not often Mr O and I have whole days off at the same time. He mostly has to work at the weekend and I have a 9 -5 weekday type job. When we do have weekends off together they often end up being more about Netflix and less about adventures because we’re in our 30’s and we’re tired. Last weekend we decided to buck the trend, get our asses off the couch and go to Hampton Court Palace.

Originally I think the main reason Mr O wanted to go was because he likes saying, “don’t get your Hampton caught!” which is apparently a foreskin joke and who doesn’t love a foreskin joke (except maybe Eric who fears the penis-beanie) but I digress. Hampton Court is only about an hour outside of London (closer if you live in the south west, like we do) and is one of England’s most famous royal palaces. It was built in 1514 for Cardinal Wolsey, who was one of King Henry VIII’s favourites. When Henry, who was a bit of a temperamental chap, decided he was over Wolsey he booted him out and took it for himself, redecorating with every one of his eight wives. Later William III also lived there and did some pretty impressive expansions.

The palace is no longer occupied by the royals but it does have some very cool tours of both Henry and William’s apartments as well as Henry’s kitchens (which include a kitchen that was just for chocolate). It also has an absolutely stunning garden, which includes its famous maze.

We did our explorations using the free audioguides but if you you have kids there was a guided Time Explorer game on the go that looked absolutely epic and made me wish I was seven again. Check out our adventures below.  (Adult tickets are £19.80 bought at the door but you can get them for £15 if you buy online in advance alternatively tickets for the garden only are £4).

Mr O found transportation befitting him

We checked out Henry VIII’s apartments

I realised I was born to rule

We were a bit confused by the painting at the start of William III’s apartment. Was is supposed to be religious or a celebration of marriage equality?

We discovered that Henry VIII had a massive clock

The gardens were like something out of Alice in Wonderland

Mr O wasn’t sure about Willam’s taste in statues… why would anyone do that to a boob?

He did like the gift shop though

We thought it would be fun to check out the maze

Until we got lost

The flowers were amazing

It looked extra good from a deck chair

We checked out all the Royal badges on the ceiling of the entrance

San Andreas (2015) 

So basically there is a MEGA earthquake in California and The Rock, who is a helicopter rescue pilot. abandons his post to rescue first his almost ex-wife (Carla Gugino) and then both of them go looking for their daughter (Alexandra Daddario) so they can save her too. Meanwhile the daughter has hooked up with a British guy (Hugo Johnstone-Burt) and his little brother, Rickon Stark (Art Parkinson) who are also trying to survive falling buildings, tsunamis and douche bag potential step-fathers. All of this because no one would listen to Paul Giamatti when he said everything was going to go tits up… although there is no evidence that he tried to tell anyone there was going to be an earthquake until there actually was one and they all listened to him. There are loads of things wrong with San Andreas. It is ridiculously sanitised… I mean people are dying and being chopped to bits left right and centre and you never actually see any bodies or body parts even when The Rock is ploughing a speedboat through a lake of detritus. It is packed with ludicrous coincidences and nonsensical survivals. Ioan Gruffud’s character goes from perfectly fine to complete cockwomble so quickly it will make your head spin. And it’s kind of hard to figure out what genetic input a half Samoan-half African-American man had into Alexandra Daddario in all her blue eyed, milky-skinned, uber-Caucasian glory but I digress. I didn’t hate San Andreas because although it was as much a disaster area as it was a disaster movie, what it wasn’t was boring. It was dumb and over-the-top all the way to it’s fluttering American flag and prayer circle ending but if you go in and turn your brain off and ask nothing from it but epic scenes of shit going horribly wrong (and Kylie Minogue falling out of a building) you will not be disappointed although you might be emotionally manipulated. 3/5

The Rock suddenly wondered if maybe that milkman who looked just like his daughter may have spent more time hanging out with his wife than he realised

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

Return of the Jedi starts with Han Solo (Harrison Ford) still in the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, which means a daring rescue on the part of Leia (Carrie Fisher), Luke (Mark Hamill), Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) and the droids is on the required. Meanwhile the Empire is busy constructing an even deadlier Death Star, which the Rebel Alliance will have to destroy if they’re going to have any chance of destroying their enemies for good. Han and Leia head off to the planet of Endor to attempt a strike on the Death Star while Luke seeks out Darth Vader convinced that he can appeal to his better nature. At the same time Vader convinces Emperor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) that he can turn his son to the dark side. This final (so far) installment of the Star Wars franchise is really exciting it loses some of the grittiness of The Empire Strikes Back and it’s my least favourite of the lot. The Ewoks are cute but their addition is a bit weird and silly and a distraction from the real battle between Luke and Darth Vader’s (David Prowse) true natures. It’s a fitting end to an epic story leaving enough unanswered questions about the past to warrant a future exploration. 4/5

No, I don’t need helmet shining tips

 Before I Go to Sleep (2014)

[MAJOR SPOILERS] Christine (Nicole Kidman) has suffered a brutal attack which has left her with a short term memory problem. She wakes up every morning and everything from the last fourteen years is erased. She doesn’t remember her husband, Ben (Colin Firth) or anything about her life. By following the clues she has left for herself she discovers that she has been seeing a psychiatrist, Dr Nasch (Mark Strong), who is helping her try to uncover her memories… and Ben doesn’t know. Slowly Christine starts to have fleeting flashbacks from her past but when she asks Ben about them he is cagey making her wonder if she can trust him or anyone else. My experience of this film was a lot like my experience of the book it was based on, which makes me wonder why I bothered to watch it. The concept is pretty interesting and Kidman, Firth and Strong are as on point as ever but there are plot holes you can drive a bus through. (Here begin the spoilers). Basically Ben isn’t Christine’s husband, he’s actually the man who attacked her pretending to be her husband so he can be with her because he’s a nutter. I can’t believe that he actually managed to get her out of the hospital, “forged documents” whatever, or that he’s managing to actually havea full career with a fake identity especially as a teacher… and how is he affording their fancy house on a teacher’s salary? And then there’s Dr Nasch who I am sure would not be allowed to treat this vulnerable person without the permission of her husband and how did he get into contact with her in the first place? Christine has zero family and only one friend (who does have a valid reason for not seeing her recently) and her actual ex-husband has never contacted her or brought their son to see her once in fourteen years… could he possibly be such a massive douche? Anyway if you can get past all those plot craters you might enjoy this film, if not the silliness can’t be compensated no matter how stylish you make a thriller look. 2/5

Nicole Kidman was having trouble recognising herself in old photos

Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000)

After a crazy night of “shibbying”, Jesse (Ashton Kutcher) and Chester (Seann William Scott) wake up to discover that they can’t remember anything about the night before and they also can’t find Jesse’s car. Plus their girlfriends (Jennifer Garner and Marla Sokloff) are furious with them because they’ve forgotten their anniversary. Now the two best friends will have to piece things together, figure out what happened and save their relationships. This leads to a wacky adventure that involves aliens, ostriches, tattoos, tracksuits, Chinese food and a fifty foot woman. So this movie is dumb… super dumb… like the dumbest movie I have seen in years. While a couple of dumb best friends can be enjoyable if they’re endearing, think Bill and Ted, and the unpicking of the crazy night out is a fun trope if done well, think the first Hangover film, this movie just takes everything a step too far over the gross and ridiculous line. Jesse and Chester are complete assholes and everything that happens is tinged with sexism and misogyny. The only funny scene in the whole film is when they attempt to order Chinese food and the person controlling the drive thru just keeps yelling, “And then?!” Avoid… like the plague. 0/5

What do you mean neither of us has a glittering movie career ahead?

After my post a couple of weeks ago about excellent ginger actors, I got a request from Vinnieh for a similar actress post. Fortunately there are plenty of excellent ginger actresses because, like I mentioned before, gingers are cool so here are my favourites.

Alyson Hannigan
Best role: Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 – 2003)
Ginger power: 4/10
“Nerds are far more interesting human in later life.”

Amy Adams
Best role: Sydney Prosser in American Hustle (2013)
Ginger power: 5/10
“Perfect isn’t normal, nor is it interesting. I have no features without makeup. I am pale. I have blond lashes. You could just paint my face – it’s like a blank canvas. It can be great for what I do.”

Christina Hendricks
Best role: Joan Harris/Joan Holloway in Mad Men (2007 – 2013)
Ginger power: 7/10
“I have faced rejection in this business because of my appearance, but that has only made me stronger and more determined.”

Ellie Kemper
Best role: Kimmy Schmidt in Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015 -)
Ginger power: 8/10
“My painting teacher in high school used to say, ‘I can’t paint like I want to, but through practice I’ll get better.’ But I don’t think that’s true. I think sometimes you just can’t paint.”

Emma Stone
Best role: Skeeter Phlelan in The Help (2011)
Ginger power: 6/10
“So one day, in a fit of trying to do something different, I just dyed my hair dark brown and got my first role a week later, after which I thought: ‘People are closed-minded, man! Like a different hair colour changes everything!'”

Isla Fisher
Best role: Gloria Clearly in Wedding Crashers (2005)
Ginger power: 1/10
“When you’re younger, being a redhead is… Well, my two brothers teased me no end.”

Jessica Chastain
Best role: Maggie Beauford in Lawless (2012)
Ginger power: 9/10
“I have problems because I’m very expressive, and usually red lipstick gets on my teeth and face.”

Julianne Moore
Best role: Alice Howland in Still Alice (2014)
Ginger power: 10/10
“When I was seven, these kids in the alley behind our house in Omaha called me Freckleface Strawberry. I hated my freckles, and I hated that name. I thought it was humiliating in the way that only a seven-year-old could hate it.”

Nicole Kidman
Best role: Satine in Moulin Rouge! (2011)
Ginger power: 2/10
“I would describe myself as emotional and highly strung. If something upsets me, it really upsets me. If something makes me angry, I get really angry. But it’s all very upfront. I can’t hide it. I’m also loyal and I hope I’m fun.”

Susan Sarandon
Best role: Louise in Thelma and Louise (1991)
Ginger power: 3/10
“It’s still not easy to find roles that offer more complex images of women.”

As some of you with long memories might recall Mr O and I took a trip to Madame Tussauds with his family about a year and a half ago for my brother-in-law’s birthday… and behaved badly. While Madame Tussauds is one of London’s most famous attractions it’s also one of its cheesiest and I still maintain that very few of the waxworks actually look like who they are supposed to.

Anyway, Mr O now works for the same company that owns Madame Tussauds which means that we get to go there for free and I like anything that is free (something I learned from both of my parents). At the moment the attraction has a special exhibition on the go featuring characters from Star Wars. As you’ll know from my recent Film Fridays, I love a bit of Star Wars as does Mr O, so we decided to go and investigate. In order to get to the Star Wars bit we had to go through the rest of the exhibits and we might once again have been a little bit bad…

Thought this might be Jennifer Lopez but we weren’t sure

I got felt up by Whoopi Goldberg

I ensured that I will never get invited to tea with the queen

I made sure Miley Cyrus was aware of my disapproval

Mr O refused to let Jimi take over… even though it was his turn

Mr O wished Beyonce had put some Shield on it

And then he joined the Bullingdon Club and made some plans to oppress the working class

Before finally doing nothing to help British-EU relations

And then… Star Wars!

Mr O tried to get Anakin Skywalker to give him directions to the cantina

When he eventually found it Han Solo wasn’t in the mood for small talk

But C3PO was up for anything

I wasn’t impressed with Chewy’s piloting skills

Mr O couldn’t resist giving Yoda some fashion advice

If you fancy spending some time with the heroes and villains of Star Wars you can check out the exhibition at Madame Tussauds. Tickets are £33 on the day or you can buy them at discounted rates online in advance.

Jamie Oliver already proved to us that mac n cheese works when you add vegetables to it with his cauliflower mac ‘n cheese. This version contains butternut which brings a great sweetness and texture to the rich, cheesy sauce… and you don’t have to make a bechamel, which is always a bonus.

Mac n cheese with butternut

1 large butternut, peeled, deseeded and chopped into chunks
2 – 3 cups chicken stock
1 1/2 cups low fat milk
1/4 cup low fat natural yoghurt
1 1/2 teaspoons mustard powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
1 cup grated Gruyere cheese
1 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup grated white cheddar cheese
200g smoked Pancetta lardons
500g macaroni

Put the butternut into a large pot with enough stock to cover it and bring to the boil. Reduce the heat and simmer for 20 minutes.

While the butternut is cooking, cook the macaroni according to the package instructions, drain and set aside. Fry the pancetta lardons in a pan and place on a piece of kitchen roll to drain.

Remove the butternut from the heat, add the milk, yoghurt, mustard powder, salt and pepper and blend until smooth with an immersion blender. (Alternatively pour all of it into your food processor). Stir in the Gruyere and Parmesan cheeses, macaroni and pancetta and pour everything into a large roasting tin. Don’t worry if it seems runny, it will firm up when it bakes.

Cover with the grated cheddar and bake in the preheated oven for 20 minutes. Then flick over to the grill setting for a couple of minutes to brown the cheese. Keep an eye on it because it burns quickly.

Serves 6 – 8

Sometimes by book club agrees on two books, a main one and one for extra credit if we have time. As our May book was The Night Watch in honour of Terry Pratchett we decided to double up and also add Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch which he wrote with Neil Gaiman who is also a very famous fantasy author. This novel was written when Pratchett was only mildly famous and Gaiman wasn’t famous at all. Apparently they became great friends after Gaiman interviewed Pratchett and ended up writing the novel while excitedly shouting down the phone to each other.

But what is it all about?

In the small town of Lower Tadfield, the apocalypse is about to kick off. On the side of good stands angel, Aziraphale – the original guardian of the Garden of Eden and on the side of not so good the demon, Crowley. What their superiors don’t seem to have noticed is that the two are actually rather good friends and often take credit for the same “projects”. Both of them are supposed to be keeping an eye on the person in the centre of all of it – Adam Young, an eleven year old boy who has no idea he is the Antichrist and has been somewhat misplaced by a ditzy Satanic nun. Then there’s Anathema Device a descendant of Agnes Nutter a witch who wrote a book of predictions simultaneously so accurate and confusing that it didn’t sell a single copy, and she’s convinced she can stop it all if she can just make sense of Agnes’ book.

Really Good Omens isn’t about the apocalypse or the battle between good and evil at all. It’s actually a rather clever critique about the very concepts of good and evil as well as the very black and white definitions that religion attempts to feed us. This is very evident in the projects that Aziraphale and Crowley undertake and take credit for. They both clam Milton Keynes as a success – Aziraphale because it’s supposedly so well designed and Crowley because apparently the roundabouts are a nightmare. It’s also interesting how little they actually have to interfere since human nature is so essentially one of duality that we’re better at doing very good and very evil things than any angel or demon could influence us into.

The other key concept in Good Omens is the idea of focusing on living life rather than imagining some greater afterlife. Aziraphale, Crowley and Adam (and Adam’s dog) are all enamoured with what being human has to offer and none of them are particularly keen on the actual apocalypse even though that is what their entire existence seems to have been designed for.

Well that’s what I read into it anyway. If you want to enjoy the book as just a clever and comedic novel about the mechanics and complexities of the end of the world and the forces involved I certainly won’t stop you.

As for the book itself, the characters are all interesting and well-written and I kept kind of hoping that Aziraphale and Crowley were going to get it on even though they actually didn’t have any genitalia. For the most part I found it very amusing and extraordinarily well thought out. However, about three quarters of the way in I got a little bit tired of it. It’s all so terribly clever and so terribly witty that it’s a kind of exhausting and I just wanted them to get on with it. I also found Adam kind of annoying. I know I am in the vast minority here since this is more or less a universally loved book and I genuinely did really enjoy it… I just could have done with slightly less of it.

If you’re a fan of either Gaiman or Pratchett or both or just a deep thinker on concepts of morality you are very likely to enjoy this book and you should definitely check it out just maybe don’t read it as fast as I did.

3.5/5

Spy (2015)

Despite being top of her class CA agent, Susan Cooper (Melissa McCarthy) has found herself working in the basement providing intel to agents rather than working in the field herself. When Bradley Fine (Jude Law), the agent Susan works most closely with is killed while tracking a stolen nuclear bomb, the agency discovers that every one of their lead agents has been compromised. The bomb is still at large and in the hands of Rayna Boyanov (Rose Byrne) so there’s only one person left to send in… Susan. Despite her initial reservations Susan agrees to a track and report mission but it’s not long before she finds herself in way over her head and in need of all her training. Spy could easily have descended into two hours of fat jokes but instead of poking fun at McCarthy it allows her to kick ass in a relatively realistic manner while also highlighting the invisibility of women who are not considered conventionally attractive. Susan is a great character, sweet and lovable but with a feisty core that’s just waiting to find its way out. There are also some great supporting characters. Rose Byrne is hilarious as the outrageously blunt and spoiled Rayna and Peter Serafinowicz is a hoot as a lairy Italian agent who really likes boobs. I wasn’t completely sure about Jason Statham playing a caricature of himself – a rogue agent whose outrageous claims are topped only by his ability to screw up every situation he’s in. Spy is a pretty over the top silly movie but even in that context he’s just too much. If you’re looking for a fun Saturday afternoon movie you could do a lot worse. 3/5

Susan’s first sight of Jason Statham’s knob was not to her taste

The Warriors (1979)

On one fateful night Coney Island gang, The Warriors travel to Brooklyn for a weapon-free meeting of all the gangs lead by Cyrus (Roger Hill). Cyrus gives a rousing speech encouraging the gangs to come together, stop fighting amongst themselves and take over the city but before he can finish he is shot… and The Warriors are unfairly blamed. Now they must make their way across the city with not only their rival gangs in pursuit but also the police. When you never leave Coney Island New York City can be a very dangerous place especially when you don’t have any weapons.. I can totally see why this has become a cult classic. The design of all of the different gangs is weird and cool and fascinating and you can’t help but kind of wondering which gang you would join. I loved the fact that the film was obviously filmed in the 70’s it could easily have been futuristic or dystopian and there’s an undercurrent of the gangs living amongst everyday people in a world of their own. This is especially evident in their encounter with some teenagers on the subway on their way home from a school dance. They’re the same age but their worlds are so different that they have nothing in common. While the members of The Warriors are relatively generic, there’s enough character development, particularly of leader, Swan (Michael Beck) and Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh), a girl they pick up along the way, to help you engage. There are some issues with how female characters are treated but for the most part when male characters treat females badly they are punished, which helps to keep balance. There’s a fair bit of violence but it’s more demonstrative of how real the rivalries are between the gangs than gratuitous. I’ve been dying to watch this since Table 9 Mutant reviewed it and I was not disappointed. Definitely worth checking out especially since it’s on UK Netflix at the moment. 4/5

They see us rollin’…

Late Night Shopping (2001)

Three guys and a girl who all work crappy jobs with antisocial hours meet up in the same cafe night after night to talk about their lives. Vincent (James Lance) sleeps with woman after woman but never connects with any of them. Lenny (Enzo Cilenti) obsesses over his call centre co-worker but is too afraid to talk to her because he has porn reactions. Jody (Kate Ashfield) is afraid to tell the others that she’s actually lost her job. And Sean (Luke de Woolfson) hasn’t seen his girlfriend (Heike Makatsch) in three weeks following an argument that has resulted in them serially avoiding each other. As their lives start to criss-cross outside the confines of the cafe they have to try and figure out what it’s all for. This is a big favourite of Mr O’s from his late teens but I’m not sure the introspective early millennium thing really worked for me. The whole thing just seemed a bit pointless. There’s loads of dialogue, which is sometimes interesting and sometimes a bit too self-conscious along with an array of ridiculous coincidences which drive the narrative. I guess it probably just hasn’t aged well. I loved the road trip where the radio is stuck on power ballads but there just wasn’t enough to keep me engaged. 2/5

Remember the good old days when you could smoke in the supermarket?

The Words (2o12)

Bradley Cooper plays Rory Jansen, an aspiring author who lives in New York with his wife, Dora (Zoe Saldana). Rory has big dreams but he has little success selling his novel. On their honeymoon in Paris, Dora buys Rory an old satchel in which he finds a hand-written manuscript. He is so blown away by the incredible love story that he decides to type it up and pass it off as his own. The book is an overnight success and Rory becomes the toast of the literary world but when he meets the old man (Jeremy Irons) who wrote the story things start to fall apart. This is really three interwoven stories since Rory’s story is presented as part of a reading by author, Clay Hammond (Dennis Quaid) of his new novel. And when Rory meets the old man he relays his life story to Rory explaining what inspired his manuscript and how he lost it. All three stories are compelling with rich characters and once again Cooper gives a great performance as does Irons. Underneath it all all three stories are about what a person can live with and accept and how we deal with loss. The relationship between Rory and Dora was charming as was that of the old man in his youth (Ben Barnes) and his wife, Celia (Nora Arnezeder). I’m not sure why this film seems to have totally slipped through the cracks because it’s really pretty good and beautifully shot, particularly the parts set in Paris. I would especially recommend it to anyone who has ever had writerly aspirations because its an interesting exploration into the sacrifices you have to make in order to succeed. 3.5/5

Look, mate, there will be other greenhouses but this one is mine

After the success of my post about female movie characters who kick ass I decided to follow up with a TV version since TV has also given us some pretty tough female characters although I would argue that we definitely need loads more. Again I am focusing on characters who physically kick ass.

Brienne of Tarth
Show: Game of Thrones (2011 – )
Played by: Gwendoline Christie
Special skills: Swordplay, tenacity, loyalty
Ass kicking level: 7/10
“Jaime Lannister: I hope you’re pleased. If you had armed me, they would never have taken us.
Brienne of Tarth: You were armed when we were taken.
Jaime Lannister: I was in chains if you recall. Our little match would have ended quite quick if my hands weren’t bound.
Brienne of Tarth: All my life I’ve been hearing, “Jaime Lannister, what a brilliant swordsman.” You were slower than I expected. And more predictable…
Jaime Lannister: I’ve been sitting in a muddy pen wrapped in chains for the past year.
Brienne of Tarth: And I’m a woman. I was still beating you.
Jaime Lannister: You were not beating me.
Brienne of Tarth: Maybe you were as good as people said… once. Or maybe people just love to overpraise a famous name.”

Buffy Summers
Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 – 2003)
Played by: Sarah Michelle Gellar
Special skills: Martial arts, turning anything into a weapon, speed
Ass kicking level: 10/10
“Buffy: I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there’s evil and that I was chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn’t been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn’t been, either. This isn’t about wishes. This is about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Not when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning, I’m opening the seal. I’m going down into the Hellmouth and I am finishing this once and for all. Right now, you’re asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us anything more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It’s true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here’s the part where you make a choice.”

Gwen Cooper
Show: Torchwood (2006 – 2011)
Played by: Eve Myles
Special skills: Investigation, firearms
Ass kicking level: 5/10
“Owen Harper: Make yourself useful, sweetheart, pass us the big chisel from the toolbox.
Gwen Cooper: It’s Gwen, not sweetheart. One syllable, I’m sure you can manage it.
Owen Harper: Not sweet cheeks, then? New girl?
Gwen Cooper: Shame your tool’s not big enough for the job.”

Lagertha
Show: Vikings (2013 – )
Played by: Katheryn Winnick
Special skills: Swordplay, wielding a shield, military strategy
Ass kicking power: 8/10
“Lagertha: If any harm befalls my children, I will tear the lungs out of your body, priest.”

Martha Jones
TV Shows: Doctor Who (2005 – ), Torchwood (2006 – 2011)
Played by: Freema Agyeman
Special skills: Military training, firearms
Ass kicking power: 4/10
“Martha Jones: I travelled across the world. From the ruins of New York, to the fusion mills of China, right across the radiation pits of Europe. And everywhere I went I saw people just like you, living as slaves! But if Martha Jones became a legend then that’s wrong, because my name isn’t important. There’s someone else. The man who sent me out there, the man who told me to walk the Earth. And his name is The Doctor. He has saved your lives so many times and you never even knew he was there. He never stops. He never stays. He never asks to be thanked. But I’ve seen him, I know him… I love him… And I know what he can do.”

Max Guevara
TV Show: Dark Angel (2000 – 2002)
Special skills: Speed, strength
Ass kicking power: 8/10
“Max Guevara: I’ll take him on
AA Man: ladies and gentleman we have a new challenger
Alec: what the hell are you doing?
Max Guevara: I told you to take a dive. Now i’m gonna have to beat your ass myself.
Alec: what do you have against me making money?
AA Man: [To Max] What’s your name cupcake?
Alec: She doesn’t have a name. You know what? she’s not here. she’s not fighting.
Max Guevara: Oh, yes i am
AA Man: Ladies, and Gentlemen, in this corner, hailing from parts unknown, let’s hear it for the curvaceous killer”

Michonne
TV Show: The Walking Dead (2010 – )
Played by: Danai Gurira
Special skills: Samurai sword
Ass kicking power: 8/10
“Rick Grimes: Do you miss the sword?
Michonne: Wasn’t really mine in the first place. Found it in the very beginning.
Rick Grimes: How’d you get so good?
Michonne: It was just me and them out here all day, every day a good long time. I don’t know what that was, but it wasn’t life. Not like today. Stumbling around in three feet of slime for some peas and carrots, that’s living. I miss Andrea. I miss Hershel.
Rick Grimes: Yeah.
Michonne: I don’t miss what was before. I don’t miss that sword.”

Emily Prentiss
Show: Criminal Minds (2005 – )
Played by: Paget Brewster
Special skills: Psychological profiling, firearms, disguise
Ass kicking power: 4/10
“Aaron “Hotch” Hotchner: Prentiss, this is the job, and I need to know that you can be objective.
Emily Prentiss: And I need to know that I can be human.”

River Tam
Show: Firefly (2002 – 2003)
Played by: Summer Glau
Special skills: Hand-to-hand combat, talking in riddles
Ass kicking power: 7/10
“River: I don’t belong… dangerous like you. Can’t be controlled… can’t be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be who they wanted to be, could be with the people they wanted. Live simple. No secrets.
Simon: No…
River: I’ll be fine. I’ll be your bounty, Jubal Early. And I’ll just fade away.”

Xena
Show: Xena: Warrior Princess (1995 – 2001)
Played by: Lucy Lawless
Special skills: Swordplay, speed, strength
Ass kicking power: 9/10
“Gabrielle: Another one’s fallen for you.
Xena: Again? What is it?
Gabrielle: Oh, the blue eyes… the leather. Men love leather.
Xena: I think it’s time for a wardrobe change.
Gabrielle: Yeah. You could try wearing chainmail.
Xena: Nah. That’d just attract a kinkier group.”

A couple of weeks ago my friend posted a version of this recipe on Facebook in Afrikaans looking for someone to translate it to English for her. It sounded absolutely delicious to me so I not only translated the recipe but also decided to try it out for myself. Mine didn’t look anywhere near as pretty as the one in the picture – caramel got out of control – but it tasted fabulous.

Double chocolate salted caramel cake

For the cake

2 medium eggs
50g good quality milk chocolate broken into pieces
3/4 cup warm strong coffee
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
3/4 cup buttermilk
1 1/2 cups caster sugar
1 1/4 cup flour
3/4 cup cocoa
1 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
90ml oil

For the topping

1 tin of Carnation caramel (also known as dulce leche) – available in UK supermarkets near the condensed milk
1/4 teaspoon salt

Heat the oven to 150 C and grease and line 2 20cm cake tins with greaseproof paper.

Beat the eggs with an electric mixer for 5 to 10 minutes until light and fluff.

Pour the warm coffee over the chocolate and stir occasionally until the chocolate has melted.

Add the vanilla extract to the buttermilk and mix.

Sift together the sugar, flour, cocoa, bicarb, baking powder and salt.

Set your mixer to its lowest speed and add the oil to the eggs in a thin stream to form an emulsion. Add the buttermilk and vanilla and then the chocolate and coffee mixture. Add the dry ingredients and then stir and until well mixed.

Divide the mixture between the cake tins and bake for approximately 30 minutes until cooked through. Allow to cool for about twenty minutes in the pans before turning out on a wire rack.

To make the topping put the caramel in a bowl and stir in the salt. Don’t over stir though because it gets really runny.

Spread about one third on the flat side of one of the cakes and then put the other cake on top. Spread the remaining caramel on top of the cake and allow to run down the sides of the cake.

Makes one two layer cake

Jurassic World (2015)

Twenty-two years after the fateful incidents of Jurassic Park, Isla Nublar is operating as a functioning dinosaur attraction with an array of exciting interactive exhibits. The park is run by Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard), a no-nonsense businesswoman whose core focus is on efficiency, profitability and pleasing shareholders. Claire has become concerned that the Jurassic World is becoming stagnant and a bit old hat with visitors no-longer wow-ed by dinosaurs in the way that they used to be, which has lead to her overseeing the development of a new genetically engineered dinosaur called the indominous rex guaranteed to scare the shit out of children and adults alike. On the same day the park CEO (Irrfan Khan) comes to inspect the new creation, Claire’s nephews Zach (Nick Robinson) and Gray (Ty Simpkins) are also visiting the park. They’re supposed to be under Claire’s care but she’s got way too much going on, especially since there are concerns that the indominous rex’s paddock is not as secure as it looks. This is where raptor handler, Owen (Chris Pratt) comes in. He’s good with animals that like to attempt to escape and he’s called in to inspect the new attraction’s habitat. Messing with nature is never a good idea, so to absolutely no one in the audience’s surprise, the indominous gets out and wrecks havoc. Claire and Owen find themselves in a race against time to save not only the park visitors and other animals on the island but also to find Zach and Gray who have gone AWOL. And it doesn’t help that military man, Hoskins (a worryingly portly Vincent D’Onofrio) wants them to set the raptors loose as part of a military experiment. Basically there are almost zero surprises in Jurassic World. It’s a series of pretty predictable set pieces one after the other. Is that a bad thing? Not really. The film looks amazing and has enough visual wow moments to keep you sucked in. I was particularly impressed with the mosasaurus (Mr O says we can;t get one as a pet because our flat is too small and they aren’t real) and the raptors. Most of the characters are perfectly serviceable with Chris Pratt’s Owen as a charming standout. The kids are a bit annoying but I quite liked Claire even though her desire to hang onto her high heels was laughable and unsafe. There are some strong themes about corporate greed which elevate the material above just being a monster movie and adds another layer. A whole load of dino fun! 3.5/5

Mosasaurus… will it fit in our bath?

Hot Girls Wanted (2015)

Produced by Rashida Jones this documentary looks at a growing part of the porn world centered on young amateurs who enter the sex industry as a way of escaping the drudgery of their lives. Lured by the opportunity to travel, make fast money seemingly easily the girls trade the only asset they think they have rather than facing a life of student debt and McJobs. But the shelf-life of a new face/foof is extremely limited and the girls find themselves having to do ever more degrading acts in order to make the same kind of money they did when their newness was enough to draw in the punters. The girls vary in their level of naivety, with some operating as shrewd “businesswomen” managing their “product”, while others seem to think that doing porn isn’t going to affect their relationships.I think what this documentary wanted to do was show how trapped many young women feel in a society where they are valued for little more than their bodies and how little they value themselves but it’s presented in such a simplistic manner and with such a predictable outcome that it doesn’t have the impact it could have. I was also interested in seeing more of the handlers who scout the girls and essentially exploit them but this was mostly glossed over. Average. 2.5/5

And if you look closely you’ll be able to see your MBA right there

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

I have extremely warm memories of this film, which came out when I was about sixteen years old. It’s not a big secret that I am not a big Bond fan, mostly because my Oupa’s great way of “bonding” (see what I did there?) with his grandchildren was to sit us down in front of the TV and make us watch hours of 007 movies one after the other… I swear one holiday we all had to watch From Russia with Love about seventeen times. Then there’s also the ridiculous treatment of female characters but I have neither the time nor the inclination to rabbit on about that for half an hour. Anyway I loved this film when it came out because it ripped the piss out of all the ridiculous Bond tropes that I hated – the elaborate deaths, the bizarre villains and moronic henchmen – and starred my favourite comedian of the time, Mike Myers. Unfortunately Myers’ career has not stood the test of time but, from my perspective at least, the first Austin Powers film has. I still found Austin’s fish out of water antics as a spy cryogenically frozen in the  swinging 60’s to return in the po-faced 90’s really funny. And Myers’ is even more hilarious playing his equally confused arch-enemy Dr Evil. Mr O and I were rolling on the floor at his description of his childhood while in group therapy. There are some fabulous supporting characters in Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling) and Number 2 (Robert Wagner) but unfortunately Liz Hurley is as crap as ever playing Austin’s love interest, Vanessa Kensington. Overall it’s a very silly film and if you didn’t originally see it in the 90’s or grow up in the 90’s you might not get all of the pop culture references or find it as funny as we did but as nostalgic comedies go, Austin Powers still cracks me up. 3.5/5

Vanessa had a cracking set of melons

Stories We Tell (2012)

Stories We Tell is a documentary by Canadian actress, Sarah Polley that attempts to describe the story of her family and the unusual circumstances around her birth and parentage by combining home videos and interviews into a slowly unfolding non-linear narrative. The Polley family’s story is compelling, not because it is particularly dramatic but more because it paints such rich character portraits but the essence of the documentary is actually an examination of how we tell stories and construct our truths. Every person that helps Sarah tell her story has a somewhat different perspective and at one point her father mentions that she has the ability to edit the footage in whatever way she wants, potentially changing the way it is spelled out completely. There are several occasions where she splices one person’s memories with another’s demonstrating that their recollection of the “facts” is completely different.  [SPOILER ALERT] This is further evidenced when close to the end of the film Sarah reveals that what the audience has believed were home movies up until that point are actually elaborate reconstructions based on various people’s memories. The timing of this revelation is particularly significant in demonstrating that the concept of “truth” is one that is largely constructed in our minds and that the possibility that there are several truths is very real. Stories We Tell gave me a lot of food for thought as in my family there is quite a rich tradition of storytelling and I have often gotten different versions of a familiar family tale depending on who was telling it. I would highly recommend checking it out whether for the face value story or the more in-depth themes as both are fascinating. 4/5

Mrs Polley needed to urgently get some sun

Last month we had great TV moms in honour of mother’s day so of course today we’re honouring all the amazing dads out there on father’s day with a post about great TV dads. I am lucky to have two awesome dads in my life – my own father, Jules and my father-in-law, Alan who are both great role models while also being an enormous amount of fun. Happy father’s day to both of you and all the other great dads out there.

[MILD GOT SPOILER ALERT]: When I was preparing this list I initially had Stannis Baratheon on it. Last Monday I had to very quickly edit that for obvious reasons.

Burt Hummel
Played by: Mike O’Malley
Show: Glee (2009 – 2015)
Dad to: Kurt
Special dad skills: Understanding, overcoming his own prejudices… the Single Ladies dance
“Kurt Hummel: Dad. I have something that I want to say. I’m glad that you’re proud of me. But I don’t want to lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really shown me that I can be anything, and what I am, is, I’m gay.
Burt Hummel: I know.
Kurt Hummel: Really?
Burt Hummel: I’ve known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I’m not totally in love with the idea, but, if that’s who you are, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Ok?
[They hug]
Burt Hummel: Thanks for telling me Kurt.
[He starts to go]
Burt Hummel: You sure, right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah Dad, I’m sure.
Burt Hummel: I’m just checking.”

Frank Costanza
Played by: Jerry Stiller
Show: Seinfeld (1989 – 1998)
Father to: George
Special dad skills: Shouting, weird theories
“Estelle Costanza: Georgie, would you like some Jello?
Frank Costanza: Why do you put the bananas in there?
Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
Frank Costanza: SO LET HIM HAVE BANANAS ON THE SIDE!”

Martin Rohde
Played by: Kim Bodnia
Show: The Bridge (2011 – )
Father to: August and four others whose names I honestly can’t find
Special dad skills: Fighting for his kids, detective skills

Marty Crane
Played by: John Mahoney
Show: Frasier (1993 – 2004)
Dad to: Frasier and Niles
Special dad skills: Delivering earthy wisdom, bringing his sons down to earth
“Frasier: My study? You expect me to give up my study, the place where I read, where I do my most profound thinking?
Martin: Ah, use the can like the rest of the world!”

Phil Dunphy
Played by: Ty Burrell
Show: Modern Family (2009 – )
Dad to: Hayley, Alex and Luke
Special dad skills: Finding the fun in everything, making up weird sayings
“Luke Dunphy: [after Alex spills sugar on the floor] I’ll eat it for a dollar.
Phil Dunphy: Luke, what have I told you about doing things for money?
Luke Dunphy: If you charge more, they’ll think you’re worth it.
Phil Dunphy: Right. That’s worth at least five.”

Red Forman
Played by: Kurtwood Smith
Show: That 70’s Show (1998 – 2006)
Dad to: Laurie and Eric
Special dad skills: Appearing to be a total hardass but actually always being there for his kids
“Reginald “Red” Forman: What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you always so damn nervous?
Eric Forman: Oh, hmm, I don’t know, maybe it’s because you’ve been yelling at me for seventeen years?”

Rufus Humphrey
Played by: Matthew Settle
Show: Gossip Girl (2007 – 2012)
Dad to: Dan and Jenny
Special dad skills: Making pancakes, listening
“Rufus Humphrey: Guess whos dad is cool!
Jenny Humphrey: It’s a trick-question.
Dan Humphrey: Yeah, cos it can’t be ours.”

Tony Soprano
Played by: James Gandolfini
Show: The Sopranos (1999 – 2007)
Dad to: A.J. and Meadow
Special dad skills: Trying to protect his children from his life
“Meadow Soprano: Are you in the Mafia?
Tony Soprano: Am I in the what?
Meadow Soprano: Whatever you want to call it. Organized crime.
Tony Soprano: That’s total crap, who told you that?
Meadow Soprano: Dad, I’ve lived in the house all my life. I’ve seen the police come with warrants. I’ve seen you going out at three in the morning.
Tony Soprano: So you never seen Doc Cusamano going out at three in the morning on a call?
Meadow Soprano: Did the Cusamano kids ever find $50,000 in krugerrandts and a .45 automatic while they were hunting for Easter eggs?
Tony Soprano: I’m in the waste management business. Everybody immediately assumes you’re mobbed up. It’s a stereotype. And it’s offensive. And you’re the last person I would want to perpetuate it… There is no Mafia.
Meadow Soprano: Fine.
Tony Soprano: Alright look, Mead, you’re a grown woman, almost. Some of my money comes from illegal gambling and whatnot. How does that make you feel?
Meadow Soprano: At least you don’t keep denying it, like Mom. Kids in school think it’s actually kinda neat.
Tony Soprano: They seen “The Godfather”, right?
Meadow Soprano: Not really. “Casino” we like, Sharon Stone, the 70’s clothes, pills…
Tony Soprano: I’m not asking about those bums. I’m asking about you.
Meadow Soprano: Sometimes I wish you were like other dads. But then, like… Mr. Scangarelo for example? An advertising executive for big tobacco. Or lawyers? So many dads are full of shit.
Tony Soprano: Oh, and I’m not.
Meadow Soprano: You finally told the truth about this.
Tony Soprano: Look, Mead, part of my income comes from legitimate businesses, stock market…
Meadow Soprano: Look, Dad, please, okay? Don’t start mealy-mouthing.”

Philip Banks
Played by: James Avery
Show: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1990 – 1996)
Dad to: Carlton, Hilary, Ashley and Nicky
Special dad skills: Accepting others into his family, being inspiring, encouraging his kids to do great things
“Will: I’m a joker. I play around. I have fun.
Phillip Banks: Mm-hmm. Being a joker’s what’s gotten you into trouble. You may think it’s cool to be on the streets when you’re 17, but when you’re my age, it’s a waste.
Will: I-I can’t think that far ahead.
Phillip Banks: That’s your problem. You can’t take anything seriously.
Will: Hey look, man, I don’t have the problem, all right. YOU have the problem. I remind you of who you are and what you used to be. Now I don’t know, somewhere between Princeton and the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.
Phillip Banks: You think you’re so wise.
[Will looks away from Phillip]
Phillip Banks: Look at me when I’m talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I KNOW where I come from!
Will: You actually heard Malcolm speak?
Phillip Banks: That’s right. So before you criticize someone, you find out what he’s all about.”

Ned Stark
Played by: Sean Bean
Show: Game of Thrones (2011 – )
Dad to: Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran, Rickon and Jon
Special dad skills: Honour, discipline, respect
“Eddard Stark: You understand why I did it?
Bran Stark: Jon said he was a deserter.
Eddard Stark: But do you understand why I had to kill him?
Bran Stark: Our way is the old way?
Eddard Stark: The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword.
Bran Stark: Is it true he saw the White Walkers?
Eddard Stark: The White Walkers have been gone for thousands of years.
Bran Stark: So he was lying.
Eddard Stark: A madman sees what he sees.”

These brownies are definitely not for anyone on a diet so I won’t be making them again any time soon (which makes me sad) but if you want a delicious, indulgent treat then these are totally amazing. All credit for this chocolate mint chip brownie recipe goes to Jeanne Horak-Druiff from Cooksister.com who developed it and was kind enough to let me share it.

Mint chocolate chip brownies
Adapted from Cooksister.com

230g butter at room temperature
1 cup caster sugar
1 cup light brown sugar
90g cream cheese
3 large eggs
1.5 teaspoons of peppermint essence
1 cup plain flour
2/3 cup cocoa
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
200g chopped up mint Matchmakers (or if you’re in South Africa Peppermint Crisp bars or in the USA Andes Creme de Menthe chips)

Preheat your oven to 170 C and grease and line a 20 cm x 30 cm baking dish with baking paper.

Use an electric mixer to cream together the butter, sugars and cream cheese until light and fluffy. Add the eggs one at a time, beating after each addition. Add the peppermint essence. Don’t worry if your mixture looks a little curdled at this stage, as soon as you add the dry ingredients it will come together.

In a separate bowl sift together the flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt.

Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients and mix until just combined. Fold in whichever mint chips you a using.

Pour the batter into the prepared baking dish and bake in the middle of the oven for 40 – 45 minutes. It should be a little bit squidgy in the middle but not runny.

Allow to cool in the baking dish for 20 minutes before removing and allowing to cool completely on a wire rack and slicing.

Makes 12 large brownies

Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1998)

After watching the original Star Wars trilogy in preparation for The Force Awakens we figured we should also revisit the prequels and so I bought Mr O the trilogy for his birthday. Episode 1 starts with Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) heading to the planet Naboo to try and resolve a trade blockade around the planet. The trade federation isn’t having any of it since their secret Sith Lord adviser actually wants to send a droid army to Naboo to overtake its government. They are forced to flee to an underwater Gungun city with world’s most annoying film character Jar Jar Binks (voiced by Ahmed Best), who inexplicably speaks like a Thai hooker in an inappropriately stereotypical movie from the 70’s. Anyway, they save the planet’s queen, Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) and escape in her royal ship but that doesn’t work out either and they crash on the desert planet of Tatooine. Here they meet young slave, Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). who Qui-Gon soon becomes convinced is the Jedi chosen one, destined to bring balance to the Force. But first they’ll have to get their ship off Tatooine so that Padme can plead her planet’s case to the Galactic Senate and hopefully prevent a war. Unfortunately The Phantom Menace is bogged down with crap CGI, annoying characters – including Anakin – and a strong element of omigodwehavesomanyideasletsdothemallatonce! While it’s not a patch on the originals it’s still a fun universe to spend a couple of hours (and a bit in). 3/5

For fuck sake Jar Jar, no one cares if “you so horny”. Shut your pieheole!

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

Ten years after the events of Episode I, Padme (Natalie Portman)  is now a senator of the Galactic Empire and Anakin (Hayden Christensen) is a Jedi Padawan trained by Obi Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). With the Empire at the edge of civil war as several republics threaten to cede their independence under the leadership of a rogue Jedi called Count Dooku (Christopher Lee) an assassination attempt is made on Padme. Obi Wan and Anakin are called in to protect Padme and unravel who is behind the attempt, which will lead them down a political rabbit hole that threatens the Empire’s fragile peace. OMG so much politics. I know that just having lots of crazy space fights and talking about The Force probably isn’t enough for six whole films but the level of political intrigue going on here requires more attention than I could legitimately manage. And then there’s the relationship between Padme and Anakin. I am not sure exactly how old they are supposed to be but I am guessing based on the first film that he’s about 18 and she’s at least 25. I hope it’s not just me that finds this somewhat creepy. They also seem to have fallen in love just because they were both there since there is zero chemistry or connection between Portman and Christensen. I would like to lay this all on Christensen because he is about as charismatic as a used condom but Portman also isn’t doing her finest work and compared to Leia, Padme is such a pussy. Probably the worst of all the Star Wars movies and even getting to see Yoda in a full light sabre battle with Count Dooku can’t save it. 2/5

Judge me by my size, do you?

Oblivion (2013)

Tom Cruise plays Jack a veteran of a war with aliens called Scavs, which has ravaged the Earth. Jack works with his partner, Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) to maintain the drones that protect the Earth from further attack while a faceless government uses fusion reactors to collect the planet’s water for use on human colony on Titan. Although Jack has had his memory wiped he often dreams of the same woman (Olga Kurylenko) and of being at the top of The Empire State Building with her before the war. When a ship crashes on the surface and Jack finds that the woman in his dreams is on board he finds himself questioning everything. Who are the Scavs? What do they really want? And what is the government hiding? I don’t think this film had an amazing critical reception but I really quite liked it. It looked amazing and the premise was fascinating. I am not a Tom Cruise fan but he was good as Jack and has enough charisma to carry the film. Oblivion probably won’t go down in science fiction movie history as one of the greats but it’s definitely worth a watch. Now somebody build me a swimming pool suspended in the air. 3/5

I know I’m 18 years older than you but we totally could be married

Blades of Glory (2007)

Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder) are the two top male ice-skaters on the international circuit and bitter rivals. Chazz is a hard-drinking rebel known for risky moves and driving the ladies while Jimmy is all about precision and technique and has lived an extremely sheltered life. After the two get into a fight at the World Winter Sports Championships they are both barred from competition for life. But when coach (Craig T Nelson), discovers a loophole in their banning orders that allows them to compete as a male-male pair. They begin to train for the upcoming games but their conflicting styles and distaste for each other causes all kinds of problems, while the concept of a male-male pair throws the ice-skating world into disarray. At the same time Fairchild (Amy Poehler) and Stranz van Waldenberg (Will Arnett) the leading contenders work to eliminate the threat to their title. Whether you enjoy this film will massively depend on whether you find Will Ferrell funny. It’s over the top, bawdy and generally a bit ridiculous. Also there’s nothing particularly new here apart from the unusual site of two men dancing as a pair. I love Will Ferrell so I thought it was absolutely hilarious and Poehler and Arnett regularly steal the show as the very odd van Wildenberg siblings. I have to admit that I spent a lot of the film wondering if Jon Heder hates Michael Cera for basically stealing his gig. Anyway if you’re in the mood for a dumb comedy and Ferrell doesn’t annoy you look no further. 3.5/5

Hold me closer tiny skater

This week is Pride Week in London, celebrating the achievements and providing a platform for the whole local LGBT . community. Every year the Pride activities culminate in a parade through London’s West End and it’s an amazingly colourful, vibrant and moving thing to behold and join in on whether you’re a member of the community or not. While many laws around the LGBT community have changed and are changing there are still a lot of social norms that need to change to provide genuine lived equality. Personally I think one of television and films’ most powerful positives is its ability to expose people to things they might not be used to and normalise them. While 20 years ago LGBT characters where almost unheard of more and more strong and interesting characters are making their way onto our screens and I’d like to believe that that’s had a lot of influence over changing attitudes. With that in mind and to show my support I bring you 10 great LGBT TV characters.

Cameron Tucker
Played by: Eric Stonestreet
Show: Modern Family (2009-)
Cameron brings an amazing juxtaposition of a football coaching, farm raised tough-guy with a show-tune loving drama queen and it’s fah-bulous!
“Cameron Tucker: I could so be a womanizer.
Mitchell Pritchett: Or you could be someone who just stepped out of a machine called the Womanizer.” 

Captain Jack Harkness
Played by: John Barrowman
Shows: Torchwood (2006 -2011), Doctor Who (2005 -)
This immortal time traveler has an eye for the ladies… and the men… and the aliens… and some plants…
“Captain Jack Harkness: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto Jones: All the better for having you back, sir.
Captain Jack Harkness: Could we maybe drop the “sir” now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking. Maybe we could, you know, when this is all done: dinner, a movie…
Ianto Jones: Are you asking me out on a date?
Captain Jack Harkness: Interested?
Ianto Jones: [scoffs] Well, as long as it’s not in an office. Some fetishes should be kept to yourself…”

Jack McFarland
Played by: Sean Hayes
Show: Will & Grace (1998 – 2006)
Jack was the original bitchy TV queen and his crazy partnership with pill-popping, drunk Karen is comedy gold.
“Jack McFarland: You know, no one took me on vacation when I broke up with… what’s his face, uh… bleached hair, tattoo, goatee, who am I talking about?
Karen Walker: God, I don’t know honey. You just described a needle in a gaystack”

Kurt Hummel
Played by: Chris Colfer
Show: Glee (2009 – 2015)
Watching Kurt come out, accept himself, confront his bullies and grow into a strong proud man was one of the best things about Glee.
“Kurt Hummel: Hey! I am talking to you!
Dave Karofsky: Girls’ locker room is next door.
Kurt Hummel: What is your problem?
Dave Karofsky: Excuse me?
Kurt Hummel: What are you so scared of?
Dave Karofsky: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Kurt Hummel: Oh, yeah, every straight guy’s nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You’re not my type!
Dave Karofsky: That right?
Kurt Hummel: Yeah, I don’t dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they’re thirty.
Dave Karofsky: Do not push me, Hummel.
Kurt Hummel: You going to hit me? Do it.
Dave Karofsky: Don’t push me!
Kurt Hummel: Hit me, ’cause it’s not going to change who I am. You can’t punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave Karofsky: I said get out of my face!
Kurt Hummel: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can’t handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are! “

Lana Winters
Played by: Sarah Paulson
Show: American Horror Story (2011- )
Lana’s incarceration and torture in a mental institution because of her sexuality serves as a sobering reminder of the terrible way members of the LGBT community were treated in very recent history.
“Lana Winters: I’m goddamn plucky, remember?”

Maxxie Oliver
Played by: Mitch Hewer
Show: Skins (2007 – 2013)
Sweet, sensitive Maxxie might not have had the most exciting storylines on Skins but he was always my favourite character and watching him and Anwar realise their friendship despite Anwar’s religious bias is very touching.
“Maxxie: I’m gay, Mr Kharral; I always have been.
Istiak Kharral: It’s a fucking stupid, messed up world. I’ve got my God; he speaks to me every day. Some things I just can’t work out, so I leave them be. Okay? Even if I think they’re wrong. Because I know, one day he’ll make me understand. I’ve got that trust; it’s called belief. I’m a lucky man.”

Oberyn Martell
Played by: Pedro Pascal
Show: Game of Thrones (2011- )
Like the rest of Dorne’s the ruling family, The Martells, Oberyn is a liberal who is as fiery in temperament as he is in the bedroom no matter what the gender of his partner.
“Oberyn Martell: ‘Tis a big and beautiful world. Most of us live and die in the same corner where we were born and never get to see any of it. I don’t want to be most of us.”

Oscar Martinez
Played by: Oscar Nuñez
Show: The Office (2005 – 2013)
What makes Oscar different from a lot of onscreen gay characters is that he’s not stereotypically flamboyant. Watching the other characters deal with the revelation of his sexuality comes across as very realistic and by poking fun at their prejudices proves how silly they are.
“Michael Scott: [Michael has called Oscar faggy without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: Oh, it’s fine. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
Michael Scott: No. No. No, it’s not. I just… I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don’t know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I’m just… I… I can’t even imagine the thing… Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let’s do that.”

Pam De Beaufort
Played by: Kristin Bauer van Straten
Show: True Blood (2008 – 2014)
Lesbian vampire, Pam, is one tough cookie – a predator not only when it comes to food but also when it comes to women.
“Pam: I should have told you that lavender is my favorite color.
Sookie Stackhouse: Pam, I’m in no mood for lesbian weirdness.”

Sophia Burset
Played by: Laverne Cox
Show: Orange is the New Black (2013 –  )
As a transgender woman woman in a women’s prison Sophia already has her work cut out for her but it’s as we find out more about her past and her journey to finding herself that we come to care about and root for her.
“Sophia Burset: “I don’t do sausage on my breakfast sandwich.”

Willow Rosenberg
Played by: Alyson Hannigan
Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 – 2003)
Watching Willow find true love with Tara was a beautiful experience as well as being a trailblazing one for a teen TV show.
” Willow: What did I have for breakfast this morning? Do you remember?
Tara Maclay: Huh?
Willow: I-I wanna say bagel, but I think that was yesterday. You had two eggs sunny side up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs.
Tara Maclay: Sassy eggs.”

So it’s the end of the month and we all know what that means… STATS, my monthly delve into how the hell anyone fouind my blog in the first place. (You can check out previous entries here). There’s been no slow down in people looking for masturbation scenes (highlighted in red on all images below) or in people who are looking for Max Riemelt. I think he is having a surge in popularity as he’s starring in the new Netflix series Sense8. But now onto other weird shiz…

Why is anyone interested in Ashlee Simpson’s fillings… or is this not related to her teeth and something else much darker? I also don’t think they make special bras for teachers but I will try to find out.

A bit further down it gets weirder and funnier. I am not sure who the annoying British actress is that’s in everything but I suspect it might be Keira Knigthley. It’s not too hard putting together a Spencer Reid outfit – you just need a pull over and a tie but trying to match his goofy charm would be a lot harder, so god luck.

I don’t know who Bruno Ganz is but I have never posted anything about him being naked not have I posted anything about Eva Green doing real sex scenes. That however is less worrying than the person looking for a body part sticking out of a wood chipper or a thick chick in wellies. Any thoughts on whether they mean thick as in not very intelligent or likes the occasional pie?

And then finally this:

While Burkina Faso does have a National Lottery (I Googled it) if you have received any communications about having won it and you don’t live in Burkina Faso and haven’t bought a ticket I would suggest that you don’t send anyone your bank details…